omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
