Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
