He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
