we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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