I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
