On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
