dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
