do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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