omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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