I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
