This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
