so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
