Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
