hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
