I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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