I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
