Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
