I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
