"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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