guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
