Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
