Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
