I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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