I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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