Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
