cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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