she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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