Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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