You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
