Need sex. Gaining weight.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
