The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
