Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
