Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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