remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My penis needs a shock collar
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
