I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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