Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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