We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
