Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
