Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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