When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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