Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
