I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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