u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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