Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
