omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
