I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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