There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did I show you my penis last night?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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