I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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