um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
