So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
