Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
