Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
