I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
