I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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