He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
